Yesterday night, the sky was glowing nuclear hot cherry pink, the color of hope.

Today, I'm changing, I'm forcing myself to change. I've come to realize that yes, it is really all about me. Nothing else can be more important in my life than me, and while my compulsive need of looking out for others is endearing, it's gotten quite out of bounds. I'm my only agent, after all. My standards have long been strict and stringent, and if I want to achieve them, I'll have to make the process of achieving something my own. In brief, I need to learn how to be efficient, to work.

En me desirant faible plutôt qu'orgueilleuse, I deny myself a sound, solid basis, a moat and a staging ground. I deny myself self-respect. I've always thought this was so very masculine, but the people I know who work hardest are invariably women. There is a sense of independence in it, a realization that this enriches lives rather than impoverishing them.

I've always been a strange princess, flexible and prissy and reflexively kind. I like myself this way, I'm comfortable. But now it's time to embrace myself, put my boots on and find myself in relevance.


Julianna Lacroix

July 2010

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